Tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be in Yosemite National Park. But If there was one thing I could have, that I could give up everything for, travel, hell even my spine, or lung. Would be to hear my Dad say ‘happy birthday Sam’ again. People have told me what I do is brave, traveling alone, doing what I do or impractical or selfish. Maybe it’s a bit of both. But it is because of him.
He never got the chance to. His life was keeping our home from falling down and dealing with 4 girls that were constantly at each other’s necks. Keeping things running keeping us fed. When he got hurt, I only now am beginning to realize some of the things that he did just to keep us afloat. He fixed everything. He was like a kid, always curious, always had that glint in his eyes.
I remember the last time I saw him…I remember realizing it was gone. His once always warm strong callused hands, now cold and hard. His laughter, quirkiness, eccentric way of talking. Silent.
He was going to take us across the states. He wanted to see the parks, he wanted to see the Rockies.
He never got to.
We had the same injury, I finally get why he snapped at times, I get why he slept, I get why couches were more comfortable. I just wish, I would have understood better then. I wish I would have been more helpful, than angry.
So for people who say you’re supposed to wait till after you have a house kids and family, till your retired to travel. Your irresponsible, selfish, a spinster, useless, a waste of tax money feeding off of society. I watched that man fall apart, I watched a man that could out run me until I was 16, hobble around in pain. I was at the receiving end of many of his outbursts. I watched it break him that he couldn’t do the things that he took pride in doing himself.
I know my fate, I know I will be in pain for the rest of my life from this. So if I don’t do it now, I may not be able to ever.
So maybe I’m brave, or maybe I’m crazy.
Maybe I’m doing it for the both of us.
Maybe I’m doing it to show people it can be done.
Maybe I’m trying to prove to myself I’m not that useless piece of shit that society and many people think I am.
Maybe I’m trying to keep myself alive because It gets to me, and in my own stubborn way I have to prove the world and my body wrong.
He would have called by now and said something like ‘I know your probably fine, but call me or text me and let me know you didn’t end up in the pucker brush and I have to go get you out.’
Miss you Dad
Love you
